A couple of folk have been asking if I had a "bucket list" since I'll be leaving Ann Arbor next week. A silly thought (read April 20, 2009 entry).
#1. God-willing, I'll be back in Ann Arbor this time next year.
#2. Does it really matter what I do? The "who" is more important.
Regardless of what I'll be doing and when, it's cherishing moments with people that's most important. I'm realizing that this week might very well be the last time I see some people in person. That realization has been a fresh reminder and has changed my perspective on what it means to be urgent and enjoying life, while holding life loosely at the same time.
Questions for myself:
In those last moments, what am I leaving behind?
Am I doing everything I can to ensure that things and people are better off and are set up for success/equipped to take on the challenges of another year before I leave? Read Philippians 1:22-26.
Nobody told me that part of "growing up" means knowing how to keep in touch and learning to let go. "I'm really bad at keeping in touch" is not a personality trait thing; it's a poor excuse for immature carelessness. I had to learn that on my own.
I guess that's why all the older folk I've been talking to recently have all been telling me to cherish every moment I have, because "you never know".
One year is actually not that long - every day counts.
As an old friend and mentor told me:
"If you don't carpe diem, you are screwed"
Really... with all these celebrity deaths and social unrest in other countries as stark reminders, all else fades away and doesn't matter except for those tangible intangibles: faith, hope, love. Forget bucket lists. Just love people to the fullest, to the very end without reservation.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
don't judge me
I was correcting someone the other day and it was funny because he reminded me a lot of... me.
He used his outgoing personality to gain favor and to boost his reputation in people's eyes. He was given to talking his way out of things with a smile and a dash of confidence, rather than humbly admitting his fault.
I wasn't so upset about him making the actual mistake, but he had these "I know what I'm doing and I'm going to get out of this" types of excuses. He was trying to justify and defend himself even when it was so clear to me that he was just plain wrong and needed to own up to his mistake! Instead of humiliating him, I let him go. I addressed his attitude but there are just some things that he has to learn on his own, the hard way.
It was like looking into a mirror.
Something I've recently realized about myself is that I welcome "judgment". I usually don't enjoy it but I certainly don't back down or shy from it.
My attitude contrasts with some other people I know who say something like, "Don't judge me!" on a regular basis. These are the types of people who may shy away from correction, will avoid confrontation, and may even use the "Don't judge me" to get out of something rather than actually addressing the issue/sin.
I, on the other hand, have never cried out "Don't judge me!" in my whole life (really). I either think so highly of myself, have something to prove, or am so confident that I've hidden my weaknesses so well, that I feel like I have the authority to take people up on the challenge of their judgment and criticism. This also implies that I look down on others with a "Who are YOU to judge ME?" outlook.
Since I was younger, I can remember whenever people called me names or passed judgment on me, I would fume and my defenses would automatically go up. Seems like I was always defending myself. Even against compliments! I have to force myself to calm down and accept compliments with gratitude.
When receiving correction, criticism, or rebuke I tend to stand straighter, puff out my chest, and tilt my chin upwards in defiance versus the other extreme of sulking with myhead hung low in a corner. In my prideful delusion, I often think to myself, "He/she/they can't touch me. I have thick skin. It's a good thing". Confrontations galore.
Maybe. But there is a difference in having thick, tough skin due to a security in oneself, versus having a humble confidence in the rock solid foundation that is the Almighty God.
Both types of people - the "Don't judge me's!" and the "Go ahead, can't touch this" folks suffer from pride. In other words, a loss of perspective on the truth of God's holiness and man's sinfulness. The funny thing is, even my attitude is really a "Don't judge me!" attitude in disguise. I don't want to be exposed and will defend myself in the light of judgment. While I may welcome it outwardly, inside I really don't want it.
That kind of outlook and life is just constantly measuring myself up against others - or even an unrealistic standard - it's exhausting and relentless. This type of graceless mode of exhaustion truly calls out for Christ's rest, his rhythms of grace. Christ, I need more of your grace. Open my eyes.
There are 12 days left until our scheduled departure for Jakarta, Indonesia. I pray God will change and clean my heart. There is no room for this prideful mess when love must enter in.
He used his outgoing personality to gain favor and to boost his reputation in people's eyes. He was given to talking his way out of things with a smile and a dash of confidence, rather than humbly admitting his fault.
I wasn't so upset about him making the actual mistake, but he had these "I know what I'm doing and I'm going to get out of this" types of excuses. He was trying to justify and defend himself even when it was so clear to me that he was just plain wrong and needed to own up to his mistake! Instead of humiliating him, I let him go. I addressed his attitude but there are just some things that he has to learn on his own, the hard way.
It was like looking into a mirror.
Something I've recently realized about myself is that I welcome "judgment". I usually don't enjoy it but I certainly don't back down or shy from it.
My attitude contrasts with some other people I know who say something like, "Don't judge me!" on a regular basis. These are the types of people who may shy away from correction, will avoid confrontation, and may even use the "Don't judge me" to get out of something rather than actually addressing the issue/sin.
I, on the other hand, have never cried out "Don't judge me!" in my whole life (really). I either think so highly of myself, have something to prove, or am so confident that I've hidden my weaknesses so well, that I feel like I have the authority to take people up on the challenge of their judgment and criticism. This also implies that I look down on others with a "Who are YOU to judge ME?" outlook.
Since I was younger, I can remember whenever people called me names or passed judgment on me, I would fume and my defenses would automatically go up. Seems like I was always defending myself. Even against compliments! I have to force myself to calm down and accept compliments with gratitude.
When receiving correction, criticism, or rebuke I tend to stand straighter, puff out my chest, and tilt my chin upwards in defiance versus the other extreme of sulking with myhead hung low in a corner. In my prideful delusion, I often think to myself, "He/she/they can't touch me. I have thick skin. It's a good thing". Confrontations galore.
Maybe. But there is a difference in having thick, tough skin due to a security in oneself, versus having a humble confidence in the rock solid foundation that is the Almighty God.
Both types of people - the "Don't judge me's!" and the "Go ahead, can't touch this" folks suffer from pride. In other words, a loss of perspective on the truth of God's holiness and man's sinfulness. The funny thing is, even my attitude is really a "Don't judge me!" attitude in disguise. I don't want to be exposed and will defend myself in the light of judgment. While I may welcome it outwardly, inside I really don't want it.
That kind of outlook and life is just constantly measuring myself up against others - or even an unrealistic standard - it's exhausting and relentless. This type of graceless mode of exhaustion truly calls out for Christ's rest, his rhythms of grace. Christ, I need more of your grace. Open my eyes.
There are 12 days left until our scheduled departure for Jakarta, Indonesia. I pray God will change and clean my heart. There is no room for this prideful mess when love must enter in.
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