My personal time of reflecting and journaling have taken big hits lately because of my idle and senseless wanderings on the internet. I'll be taking a hiatus from blogging (I've blogged nearly every day for the last week!) until at least February.
See y'all then.
In the meantime, I was blessed and awed by Psalm 102. Excerpts:
"Hear my prayer, O LORD... Do not hide your face from me in the day of my distress! ... For my days pass away like smoke... I wither away like grass.
But you, O LORD, are enthroned forever; you are remembered throughout all generations... Nations will fear the name of the LORD, and all the kings of the earth will fear your glory; he regards the prayer of the destitute and does not despise their prayer.
Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the LORD: that he looked down from his holy height; from heaven the LORD looked at the earth, to hear the groans of prisoners, to set free those were doomed to die, that they may declare in Zion the name of the LORD, and in Jerusalem his praise, when peoples gather together, and kingdoms, to worship the LORD.
... the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but you will remain... you are the same, and your years have no end..."
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
man-pride
Hello, my name is Joseph and I have man-pride. *supportive applause*group hugs*
Both proud to be a man and driven by the irresistable, secretly sensitive, stubborn male ego. Man-pride can range from the "good" of instilling confidence, courage, and even healthy competition; to the obnoxious, arrogant, and selfishly ambitious jerk-faced-ness.
In moments of my own flamboyant expression of man-pride, women have reacted by rolling their eyes and moaning "Ugh... there he goes again... stupid man-pride..." To which I and other "manly men" in the vicinity have responded, "Yea, but man-pride makes the world go 'round. There wouldn't be any progress without man-pride" I'm not sure if a more stupid and prideful response can be generated... wow. Bravo to us.
What, of course, we're referring to is the pride that fuels competition. Without competition, advancements in technology would take huge hits and we'd still be math problems on abacii (plural of abacus... I think...)
Man on the moon? All thanks to dueling national space programs of the Cold War-era. Man-pride.
The Olympics and professionalized sports? "Appreciation for the human body, athleticism, a love for the game" Man-pride!
Mirrors, cut-off sleeves, very loud grunting, bicep curls in weight rooms? For "form, cooling off, effort, and strength". Nope. Man-pride.Lots of things are (seemingly) driven by man-pride. So it's a necessary evil meant to be carefully controlled, right?
Some women may even desire to tame the wild, bad boys and mold them to do their will... or so I've heard...
One of the first lessons I've learned in man-hood goes against man-pride: "A man knows when he's wrong and isn't afraid to admit it. A man says Sorry and has the fortitude to move on"
The confidence and security of a humble man comes not from his own abilities and acheivements but from his firmly rooted identity in something bigger than himself, that eternal thing being the LORD God.
The more I think about it, the more laughable it all is. There's no room for man-pride. Pride strips away the possibility of unconditional love, forgiveness, teamwork, and the vulnerability needed to learn from one's mistakes. I've been so pride-ful that I can literally count the number of times I've said, "Sorry" to someone for something I screwed up on. I've screwed up (ie. sinned) countless times and owed many apologies. Instead, my pride prevented me from saying or sometimes even being sorry. I've replaced what should've been a "Sorry, I was wrong. Forgive me." to a pitiful excuse-filled explanation of my side of the story and coming to a mere understanding in hopes of quelching any fires of hate and bitterness. That's called self-preservation, people. Man-pride.
Pride makes the world go 'round. That's only true in the fallen world - de facto to the seeing eyes of men! But the LORD God is Creator of the Universe and proves otherwise. All things were made by Christ, for Christ, and created to worship Him. It really is funny sometimes because my pride can be so ironic. The things I judge people for are the very things I fall short in - either at that particular time or sometime later. Who am I kidding? I'm not perfect.
The real meaning of "Do not judge" in Scriptures is not necessarily to rid ourselves of all judgment (because we absolutely need it!) but to have a sober judgment of ourselves and not be so quick in judgin others with a hypocritical, man-pride-driven heart. Or else what? "Lest you be judged the same way".
Reading John 13 again, I see how Simon Peter cried out to Jesus to not wash his dirty feet. Peter urges Jesus to wash his head and body, but not his feet. Let that be done by someone else, or perhaps by Peter himself. Jesus replies that he must wash Peter's feet otherwise Peter cannot share life with Christ.
I am at that place again - Cavalry, at the foot of the Cross. So ashamed and prideful to let Jesus, King of all kings, stoop down and wash the dirtiest parts of my life, I say "No! I can do it! Please don't touch my feet! They're too nasty!" The full extent of man-pride is self-sufficiency, thinking I can do it all by myself. I am too good and pass myself as modest by not accepting free gifts. I refuse help when I clearly need it. I need to earn something so I can feel as if it was me who saved myself.
Unless I humble myself and abandon myself to God, I cannot identify myself with Him. God will not force Himself upon me. He does not need to persuade me of Himself and further fuel my pride. He does not need to try to convince me nor can I possible convince myself holy to God. The only way man-pride can be defeated is self-humility at Christ's feet. Only I can humble myself, by accepting grace. Again and again.
And in so doing, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose." - Galatians 2:20-21
Both proud to be a man and driven by the irresistable, secretly sensitive, stubborn male ego. Man-pride can range from the "good" of instilling confidence, courage, and even healthy competition; to the obnoxious, arrogant, and selfishly ambitious jerk-faced-ness.
In moments of my own flamboyant expression of man-pride, women have reacted by rolling their eyes and moaning "Ugh... there he goes again... stupid man-pride..." To which I and other "manly men" in the vicinity have responded, "Yea, but man-pride makes the world go 'round. There wouldn't be any progress without man-pride" I'm not sure if a more stupid and prideful response can be generated... wow. Bravo to us.
What, of course, we're referring to is the pride that fuels competition. Without competition, advancements in technology would take huge hits and we'd still be math problems on abacii (plural of abacus... I think...)
Man on the moon? All thanks to dueling national space programs of the Cold War-era. Man-pride.
The Olympics and professionalized sports? "Appreciation for the human body, athleticism, a love for the game" Man-pride!
Mirrors, cut-off sleeves, very loud grunting, bicep curls in weight rooms? For "form, cooling off, effort, and strength". Nope. Man-pride.Lots of things are (seemingly) driven by man-pride. So it's a necessary evil meant to be carefully controlled, right?
Some women may even desire to tame the wild, bad boys and mold them to do their will... or so I've heard...
One of the first lessons I've learned in man-hood goes against man-pride: "A man knows when he's wrong and isn't afraid to admit it. A man says Sorry and has the fortitude to move on"
The confidence and security of a humble man comes not from his own abilities and acheivements but from his firmly rooted identity in something bigger than himself, that eternal thing being the LORD God.
The more I think about it, the more laughable it all is. There's no room for man-pride. Pride strips away the possibility of unconditional love, forgiveness, teamwork, and the vulnerability needed to learn from one's mistakes. I've been so pride-ful that I can literally count the number of times I've said, "Sorry" to someone for something I screwed up on. I've screwed up (ie. sinned) countless times and owed many apologies. Instead, my pride prevented me from saying or sometimes even being sorry. I've replaced what should've been a "Sorry, I was wrong. Forgive me." to a pitiful excuse-filled explanation of my side of the story and coming to a mere understanding in hopes of quelching any fires of hate and bitterness. That's called self-preservation, people. Man-pride.
Pride makes the world go 'round. That's only true in the fallen world - de facto to the seeing eyes of men! But the LORD God is Creator of the Universe and proves otherwise. All things were made by Christ, for Christ, and created to worship Him. It really is funny sometimes because my pride can be so ironic. The things I judge people for are the very things I fall short in - either at that particular time or sometime later. Who am I kidding? I'm not perfect.
The real meaning of "Do not judge" in Scriptures is not necessarily to rid ourselves of all judgment (because we absolutely need it!) but to have a sober judgment of ourselves and not be so quick in judgin others with a hypocritical, man-pride-driven heart. Or else what? "Lest you be judged the same way".
Reading John 13 again, I see how Simon Peter cried out to Jesus to not wash his dirty feet. Peter urges Jesus to wash his head and body, but not his feet. Let that be done by someone else, or perhaps by Peter himself. Jesus replies that he must wash Peter's feet otherwise Peter cannot share life with Christ.
I am at that place again - Cavalry, at the foot of the Cross. So ashamed and prideful to let Jesus, King of all kings, stoop down and wash the dirtiest parts of my life, I say "No! I can do it! Please don't touch my feet! They're too nasty!" The full extent of man-pride is self-sufficiency, thinking I can do it all by myself. I am too good and pass myself as modest by not accepting free gifts. I refuse help when I clearly need it. I need to earn something so I can feel as if it was me who saved myself.
Unless I humble myself and abandon myself to God, I cannot identify myself with Him. God will not force Himself upon me. He does not need to persuade me of Himself and further fuel my pride. He does not need to try to convince me nor can I possible convince myself holy to God. The only way man-pride can be defeated is self-humility at Christ's feet. Only I can humble myself, by accepting grace. Again and again.
And in so doing, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose." - Galatians 2:20-21
Friday, January 23, 2009
virtual disrobing
The Burden of Twitter
Guilty. I feel guilty that I have a blog and haven't contributed to it for seven months. Guilty that all my pals on Facebook post cool pictures, while the last shots I uploaded were of Fourth of July fireworks - from 2007. Guilty that I haven't Dugg anything since, well, ever.
It's not that I don't like social networking - I adore it. I love the way it transforms my ragged circle of contacts and acquaintances into something approaching a community Every site becomes a personalized small town where strangers don't stay that way for long. I'm fascinated by the quirks and preferences my "friends" reveal through comments, status reports, and alerts.
That's where my guilt comes in. Because of time constraints and just plain reticence, I worry that I'm snatching morsels from the information food bank without making any donations. Instead of healthy, reciprocal participation, I'm flirting with parasitic voyeurism.
So, driven by guilt, I try to pitch in. I post Facebook status reports, send iPhone snapshots to Flickr, link my Netflix queue with FriendFeed. But as my participation increases, I invariably suffer another psychic downside of social networking: remorse.
The more I upload the details of my existence, even in the form of random observations and casual location updates, the more I worry about giving away too much. It's one thing to share intimacies person-to-person. But with a community? Creepy.
NYU lecturer and WIRED correspondent Clay Shirky notes in his 2008 book, Here Comes Everybody, that sharing personal information on social networks is not the same as broadcasting. It's more like dishing with close buddies in a mall food court.
The latest source of my dilemma is Twitter, which lets you spit out real-time reports about what you're thinking and doing. It's fun to track the digital ejaculations of selected Twitterati. But a couple thousand people signed up unsolicited to follow my tweets. And I feel guilty when not serving this hungry crowd - remorseful when I am.
Since I don't know many in this mob, I try not to be personally revealing. Still, no matter how innocuous your individual tweets, the aggregate ends up being the foundation of a scary-deep self-portrait. It's like a psychographic version of strip poker - I'm disrobing, 140 characters at a time.
Every so often, I get a glimpse of the effects of tossing all this personal confetti to the winds. In November, I attended an industry conference, and so many people congratulated me on the Phillies Word Series win that I felt like Chase Utley. How did they know I'm a Phillies fan? Duh, they read my dispatches from Citizen's Bank Park during game four. And if they're still following, they also know about my son's college plans, my recent travel itinerary, and the fact that I filed this column late.
We hear a lot about privacy violations by Big Brother and Little Brother. But what is the fault lies not in our siblings but in ourselves? For a reality check, I called Marc Rotenberg, head of the Electronic Privacy Information Center and an utter hawk when it comes to protecting personal data. He told me to relax. "One aspect of privacy is the ability to protect yourself as you choose," he says. Services like Facebook and Twitter are strictly opt-in, so as long as the information isn't divvied out to marketers, Rotenberg is OK with it: "That is freedom."
So now I'm feeling guilty - for being remorseful. Maybe I should complain about it in my next tweet."
- Steven Levy, WIRED magazine, February 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
KISS
I just sent a very long email... probably one of my longest ones in recent memory. Topic? Communication.
Maybe this is the result of years of BS-ing my way through 20-page History papers. hm...
Oh yea, alternate point: Don't send exasperated emails at 2:30AM. Wait, think it out, say it in person if possible.
Darn my preachy-ness! Sometimes, I need a good fresh slap in the face and to be told, "You're not all that, get over yourself!"
Ever hear of the acronym, KISS? Keep it simple, stupid!
How about "Keep it short 'n simple"?
The most valuable talent is that of never using two words when one will do. - Thomas Jefferson
Ha! How ironic! Looking over my email again, I wasted time and space mentioning a lot of unnecessary things. I could've probably got the same point across, in a more gentle way, using about 1/3 the space.
Maybe this is the result of years of BS-ing my way through 20-page History papers. hm...
Oh yea, alternate point: Don't send exasperated emails at 2:30AM. Wait, think it out, say it in person if possible.
Darn my preachy-ness! Sometimes, I need a good fresh slap in the face and to be told, "You're not all that, get over yourself!"
Ever hear of the acronym, KISS? Keep it simple, stupid!
How about "Keep it short 'n simple"?
The most valuable talent is that of never using two words when one will do. - Thomas Jefferson
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
ABC's
This past weekend, God gave me some fresh revelations that allowed me to shape a direction for the rest of this semester. Not just for myself but for our LIFE group as well.
In short:
In view of His grandeur, I must abandon myself completely to God in order to grow more deeply in love with Him. I must commit to taking steps of faith, always keeping God's righteousness and Kingdom in mind ("the big picture").
In view of His grandeur, I must abandon myself completely to God in order to grow more deeply in love with Him. I must commit to taking steps of faith, always keeping God's righteousness and Kingdom in mind ("the big picture").
It's the A,B,C,D's:
Abandon
I am learning more and more of the weighty commitment I made over three years ago when I declared to God, "Here am I, all of me. Take my life, it's all for Thee."
I uttered those words in humility, repentance, and brokenness - out of a sincere heart. Since then, I've struggled in learning the true meaning of "surrender". It's not just a momentary thing, it's my whole life. As my pride swells, my faith and convictions tested, I've been tempted to rely more and more on myself. I want to be self-sufficient and master my own circumstances!
But no, God is LORD of all. And when I forget that, God doesn't entice me with persuasive words or miracles or even forces anything upon me. He simply offers himself to me through His faithfulness shown in His promises. Do I really trust in my sovereign God? I must completely abandon myself to God - not just test out the waters by dipping my feet in - but a canonball dive into the deep end. Wholehearted devotion.
I uttered those words in humility, repentance, and brokenness - out of a sincere heart. Since then, I've struggled in learning the true meaning of "surrender". It's not just a momentary thing, it's my whole life. As my pride swells, my faith and convictions tested, I've been tempted to rely more and more on myself. I want to be self-sufficient and master my own circumstances!
But no, God is LORD of all. And when I forget that, God doesn't entice me with persuasive words or miracles or even forces anything upon me. He simply offers himself to me through His faithfulness shown in His promises. Do I really trust in my sovereign God? I must completely abandon myself to God - not just test out the waters by dipping my feet in - but a canonball dive into the deep end. Wholehearted devotion.
Bigger
In order to abandon myself, my view of God must increase in scope. I want and need to have something great to have great faith in. John the Baptist's declaration resounds as a challenge and calling to me: "He must increase, but I must decrease" (John 3:30).
If my view and understanding of God increases and gets "bigger", my faith and understanding of God will grow closer in fully realizing those elusive traits only God can possess: "eternal", "forever", the Great "I AM".
In order to abandon myself, my view of God must increase in scope. I want and need to have something great to have great faith in. John the Baptist's declaration resounds as a challenge and calling to me: "He must increase, but I must decrease" (John 3:30).
If my view and understanding of God increases and gets "bigger", my faith and understanding of God will grow closer in fully realizing those elusive traits only God can possess: "eternal", "forever", the Great "I AM".
Not only must my view of God increase, but my faith must continually transform from a selfish one to a selfless faith. Is my heart for people, for the local church, for the lost? The more self-focused I am, the less these things matter. The closer I am with Christ, the more clearly I see His heart for something bigger.
I need to let go of all my daily, small anxieties and realize that God is bigger. He will save the day! Striving to not worry, but seek first the kingdom of God and all His righteousness.
I want to get my eyes off of the stormy seas and the fact that I could be drowning, to what is right in front of me - Christ himself, hand extended. Forget the storms - my God controls the storms. And then, after declaring my love for Christ? "Feed my sheep". Bigger than me.
I need to let go of all my daily, small anxieties and realize that God is bigger. He will save the day! Striving to not worry, but seek first the kingdom of God and all His righteousness.
I want to get my eyes off of the stormy seas and the fact that I could be drowning, to what is right in front of me - Christ himself, hand extended. Forget the storms - my God controls the storms. And then, after declaring my love for Christ? "Feed my sheep". Bigger than me.
Commitment
This life of surrender has to be just that. A lifestlye of choices and decisions centered around the highest calling of following Christ. It's not automatic nor is it easy. I must learn to commit myself to continually surrendering my will and heart to Christ. I must commit myself again and again to the Gospel.
Especially when times are tough and I fall away in sinfulness, I must commit myself back to God - because He committed Himself to me so that I may be saved despite my sinfulness. An amazing devotion calls for an amazing commitment in response.
Deeper
And in all this, I desire to grow deeper in my knowledge of God and deeper in love with God. How sad would it be if love and knowledge had a quantifiable limit? Even atheists and agnostics know those truths: love and knowledge can only grow deeper. In order to grow deeper with God, I must abandon myself to Him, exalt Him above all other things, and commit to following Him.
I'm excited for this semester of loving God, loving people, and seeking His kingdom.
I'm excited for this semester of loving God, loving people, and seeking His kingdom.
A song our church started singing this past semester. One that expresses this message of faith, surrender, and exalting God to the highest place:
You Alone are God
I confess my hope in the light of Your salvation
Where I lose myself I will find You're all I need
Sing my soul of the Savior's love
Sing my soul unto God alone
I will meet You here in the life we call surrender
Let the world I know be the glory of Your grace
Sing my soul of the Savior's love
Sing my soul unto God alone
I will meet You here in the life we call surrender
Let the world I know be the glory of Your grace
You alone are God
You alone are God
We declare the glory of Your Name
Reign in all the earth
Reign in all the earth
Reign in all the earth, Jesus!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
classy
Classy moment of the day:
President Obama escorts former President Bush to say farewell. That kind of accompanied farewell has never been done before. Ladies and gentlemen, that is class.
My new commander in chief. Our new leader and motivator. An excellent orator. I sure do hope for the better. But a "revolution" is not without a resiliency, perseverance, and toil from the people - you and me. "This is the price and promise of citizenship". Amen, brother.
A remarkable story of not just one man or administration, but of a country rising up to remake itself. I'm excited to see how it unfolds.
The conclusion of Obama's inaugral speech:
"This is the source of our confidence - the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.
This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed - why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.
So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words to be read to the people:
Let it be told to the future world... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet it.
America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy current, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.
Thank you. God bless you. And God bless America."
- B. Obama, 44th American President, inaugural speech, Jan.20, 2009.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
blessed regardless - bless the LORD
Thoughts from reading today:
"... He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous..." (Matthew 5:45)
I am reminded today that God will bless who He will bless. Why? One, because of His word - if He says so, He will do it. That's who God is. And two, God created everything and everything is created to worship God. God sends down rain and lets the sun shine on the righteous and unrighteous. He gave His one and only son to the whole world full of sinners, knowing that many will never profess willingly that Jesus is Lord and Savior. Blessings will come - expected or unexpected, deserved or undeserved, faithful or unfaithful.
"Blessed is the man you discipline, O LORD, the man you teach from your law" (Psalm 94:12)
God disciplines me. Why? Not just because right is right and wrong is wrong. But in my learned obedience to God, I bring Him glory.
"Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation... For the Lord is the great God... In his hand are the depths of the earth... The sea is his, for he made it..." (Psalm 95:1,3-5)
Why praise God? The psalmist puts it simply: because "the Lord is the great God". Not because of necessarily what He's done for lil ol' me, and certainly not because I have anything of worth to give to God, but simply because He IS.
"And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black" (Matthew 5:36)
Everything in creation is the LORD's. I own nothing, not even my life. How can I even swear by anything, including my own life, if it is not under my control? I give freely because it wasn't mine to give anyway.
Everything is for God's glory - whether I acknowledge it or not, in the end, God will be glorified. He sure doesn't need me - He can make the rocks cry out in my place! Yet, I am just amazed at how God continues to bless me especially when I know I did nothing to earn any kind of reward.
God provided the Israelites manna, meat, guidance, water, and everything they ever needed for a whole generation - despite their complaining and continued disobedience. But why doesn't he completely annihilate them for their sinful ways? Because through these people, God will display His glory - and even in disobedience, God will still be glorified. Wow.
I wake up and am blessed by the rising sun every morning. I didn't do squat to make it come up. I am blessed regardless. How can I ever think that "for even a moment that the point of it all was to make much of me"? For His glory. Make much of Christ.
"... He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous..." (Matthew 5:45)
I am reminded today that God will bless who He will bless. Why? One, because of His word - if He says so, He will do it. That's who God is. And two, God created everything and everything is created to worship God. God sends down rain and lets the sun shine on the righteous and unrighteous. He gave His one and only son to the whole world full of sinners, knowing that many will never profess willingly that Jesus is Lord and Savior. Blessings will come - expected or unexpected, deserved or undeserved, faithful or unfaithful.
"Blessed is the man you discipline, O LORD, the man you teach from your law" (Psalm 94:12)
God disciplines me. Why? Not just because right is right and wrong is wrong. But in my learned obedience to God, I bring Him glory.
"Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation... For the Lord is the great God... In his hand are the depths of the earth... The sea is his, for he made it..." (Psalm 95:1,3-5)
Why praise God? The psalmist puts it simply: because "the Lord is the great God". Not because of necessarily what He's done for lil ol' me, and certainly not because I have anything of worth to give to God, but simply because He IS.
"And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black" (Matthew 5:36)
Everything in creation is the LORD's. I own nothing, not even my life. How can I even swear by anything, including my own life, if it is not under my control? I give freely because it wasn't mine to give anyway.
Everything is for God's glory - whether I acknowledge it or not, in the end, God will be glorified. He sure doesn't need me - He can make the rocks cry out in my place! Yet, I am just amazed at how God continues to bless me especially when I know I did nothing to earn any kind of reward.
God provided the Israelites manna, meat, guidance, water, and everything they ever needed for a whole generation - despite their complaining and continued disobedience. But why doesn't he completely annihilate them for their sinful ways? Because through these people, God will display His glory - and even in disobedience, God will still be glorified. Wow.
I wake up and am blessed by the rising sun every morning. I didn't do squat to make it come up. I am blessed regardless. How can I ever think that "for even a moment that the point of it all was to make much of me"? For His glory. Make much of Christ.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
exposed
Part of growing up is realizing more of who I am. Not only who and what I am not, but embracing the possibility.
The Holy Spirit is exposing more and more of me. Showing me areas of my life, my character that I have not consciously and willingly submitted under His authority. And in turn, showing more and more of who God is in me. Man, there's just so much more to this life that I want to keep safe by ignoring it all.
I read once that the greatest and final source of pride lies in the fact that we insist that we already know ourselves. This pride only prevents me from knowing more of God. Without letting this point of pride go, I cannot say in my soul, "Search me, know me, test my heart and see if there is any offensive way in me" (Psalm 139). I prevent the full realization of the Holy Spirit at work in me.
Yet I'm so inclined to say, "You don't know me! I'll do what I want! Stop judging me!"
I can only limit myself by limiting God. So what's my proper response? Go into hiding, shade the truth, try harder to look and maintain a certain image? No. That's what I do now.
LORD, renew my mind. When I am so set on my ways and think I know myself and have an unwavering "life philosophy", please challenge it and take me deeper. Expose me with Your light.
So, this is abandon.
by Starfield, "Cry in my Heart"
There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper
Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)
For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head
The Holy Spirit is exposing more and more of me. Showing me areas of my life, my character that I have not consciously and willingly submitted under His authority. And in turn, showing more and more of who God is in me. Man, there's just so much more to this life that I want to keep safe by ignoring it all.
I read once that the greatest and final source of pride lies in the fact that we insist that we already know ourselves. This pride only prevents me from knowing more of God. Without letting this point of pride go, I cannot say in my soul, "Search me, know me, test my heart and see if there is any offensive way in me" (Psalm 139). I prevent the full realization of the Holy Spirit at work in me.
Yet I'm so inclined to say, "You don't know me! I'll do what I want! Stop judging me!"
I can only limit myself by limiting God. So what's my proper response? Go into hiding, shade the truth, try harder to look and maintain a certain image? No. That's what I do now.
LORD, renew my mind. When I am so set on my ways and think I know myself and have an unwavering "life philosophy", please challenge it and take me deeper. Expose me with Your light.
So, this is abandon.
by Starfield, "Cry in my Heart"
There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper
Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)
For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head
Sunday, January 11, 2009
positive
I'm currently sitting in front of a free computer kiosk at a Holiday Inn Express. Paid for by the US Marine Corps. I'm away from Ann Arbor on drilling status for the weekend and get to stay in plush hotels :)
Every January, the whole Marine Corps has a "safety stand-down". Basically it's a whole weekend/week of classes that remind/teach us about codes of conduct, current events and issues, and safety issues. Usually, standard classes cover terrorism awareness, STD's, drunk driving, drugs. Simply put, it's "health class"/physical education for Marines.
Usually, these classes can be pretty long and painful to sit through, occasionally broken up by an especially witty presenter or entertaining videos/pictures. This year is a little different. It's more sobering times as we remember two of our young Marines who were killed in a car accident a couple of weeks ago. Safety is no joke.
One class that stood out yesterday was one about HIV/AIDS. Usually, our classes are taught in-house by Marines and the one on STD's tends to be pretty cut and dry. This time we invited a Detroit couple who volunteer and work for the Health department. The man and woman are happily married.
They were great. Very engaging speakers, kept it "real", dynamic, informative, and funny. The man is 61 years old! We all thought he was in his 30's or 40's - very healthy-looking guy. Woman was hilarious as she openly talked about how she'd "get it on" with her husband.
They're both HIV positive. They have been for decades.
Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is attitude. When things go unexpectedly wrong, how do I deal with it? It depends on my attitude. A positive attitude. I can call that a lot of things, like "where I stand in my faith journey", "my personal walk with God", simply "my faith", "trusting God", "staying upbeat", or "being positive and making the most out of a situation".
When they first found out about their condition, the HIV positive couple were emotionally distraught, and even attempted suicide. Things seemed hopeless, so why keep trying?
After recovering from the initial shocks, both the husband and wife gradually realized that they were in a position where they weren't "dying with AIDS", they were "living with AIDS". Strengthening each other through love and encouragement, and eventually marrying each other, the husband and wife were able to partner together and overcome the negativity surrounding theor circumstance and rise above with strength.
Admittedly, standing in front of hundreds of strangers and even family members to talk about an oft taboo subject is not easy. But the couple believed that they were alive, healthy for a specific purpose - to educate and empower others about HIV/AIDS and prevent the "cancer" from spreading. As the woman said, "I believe in God, and I believe that the LORD has a better plan for me."
The couple closed out their session with spoken word. The woman started singing, "When the Spirit of the LORD falls on me, I will dance like David danced". The man spoke about the price and value of a life not wasted. Salvation.
Times are tough and outcomes are so uncertain. But I know trials are placed by God to refine me. I can be joyful (That's James 1). Catching up with another brother, we remembered that no matter how weak, defeated, discouraged, inadequate we may be/feel - like fragile jars of clay - that the LORD still chose us to hold His glory and light. While driving, this old song came to me:
"I want to be more like You, I want to be more like You. I want to be a vessel You work through, I want to be more like You"
Every January, the whole Marine Corps has a "safety stand-down". Basically it's a whole weekend/week of classes that remind/teach us about codes of conduct, current events and issues, and safety issues. Usually, standard classes cover terrorism awareness, STD's, drunk driving, drugs. Simply put, it's "health class"/physical education for Marines.
Usually, these classes can be pretty long and painful to sit through, occasionally broken up by an especially witty presenter or entertaining videos/pictures. This year is a little different. It's more sobering times as we remember two of our young Marines who were killed in a car accident a couple of weeks ago. Safety is no joke.
One class that stood out yesterday was one about HIV/AIDS. Usually, our classes are taught in-house by Marines and the one on STD's tends to be pretty cut and dry. This time we invited a Detroit couple who volunteer and work for the Health department. The man and woman are happily married.
They were great. Very engaging speakers, kept it "real", dynamic, informative, and funny. The man is 61 years old! We all thought he was in his 30's or 40's - very healthy-looking guy. Woman was hilarious as she openly talked about how she'd "get it on" with her husband.
They're both HIV positive. They have been for decades.
Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is attitude. When things go unexpectedly wrong, how do I deal with it? It depends on my attitude. A positive attitude. I can call that a lot of things, like "where I stand in my faith journey", "my personal walk with God", simply "my faith", "trusting God", "staying upbeat", or "being positive and making the most out of a situation".
When they first found out about their condition, the HIV positive couple were emotionally distraught, and even attempted suicide. Things seemed hopeless, so why keep trying?
After recovering from the initial shocks, both the husband and wife gradually realized that they were in a position where they weren't "dying with AIDS", they were "living with AIDS". Strengthening each other through love and encouragement, and eventually marrying each other, the husband and wife were able to partner together and overcome the negativity surrounding theor circumstance and rise above with strength.
Admittedly, standing in front of hundreds of strangers and even family members to talk about an oft taboo subject is not easy. But the couple believed that they were alive, healthy for a specific purpose - to educate and empower others about HIV/AIDS and prevent the "cancer" from spreading. As the woman said, "I believe in God, and I believe that the LORD has a better plan for me."
The couple closed out their session with spoken word. The woman started singing, "When the Spirit of the LORD falls on me, I will dance like David danced". The man spoke about the price and value of a life not wasted. Salvation.
Times are tough and outcomes are so uncertain. But I know trials are placed by God to refine me. I can be joyful (That's James 1). Catching up with another brother, we remembered that no matter how weak, defeated, discouraged, inadequate we may be/feel - like fragile jars of clay - that the LORD still chose us to hold His glory and light. While driving, this old song came to me:
"I want to be more like You, I want to be more like You. I want to be a vessel You work through, I want to be more like You"
I'm learning to turn my eyes upon Jesus.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
back home
I'm glad to be in Ann Arbor. I can understand why there are those who really hate being back in Ann Arbor (and this not only limited to out-of-staters) or maybe just really wish they were somewhere else with other people. I feel differently.
Partly because I decided to come to University of Michigan from New Jersey to get away from New Jersey. And not just because "I want to see something new". I don't think I'm that capricious (maybe). I wanted to get away and stay away - live my own life. Over the years, that attitude has changed. It's a challenge and discipline to care for and keep the relationships I have with people elsewhere (ie my friends and family in NJ). Not being able to see them and miss them at times has grown my love for them.
Another reason is because I realized after graduating from high school, that home is not really a physical place. I remember when I just didn't feel right when I visited NJ after extensive time away in training with the Marine Corps. The people and places were definitely familiar and I can always have an enjoyable experience with loved ones, but it just wasn't home anymore. I tried defining what "home" is. I say Ann Arbor is my home now - when I say "back home" I'm usually referring to the University of Michigan campus. I usually refer New Jersey as "visiting my folks". Even so, Ann Arbor is not my home.
There's this urge deep inside that tells me "you're not home yet". My co-worker told me that I'm still very young and live an unstable life. I don't have a career, am single, no family of my own, rent an apartment with three other guys... in a sense, no "stability". There are people who tell me to be more patient, to relax, to calm down - that I'll eventually settle down. Will I be more at home when I have a job, wife, kids, and my own place? No, I don't think so. I hope not.
I have friends who are used to moving around a lot. So staying in one place for too long is uncomfortable to them, mainly because they're not used to it and/or have a peculiar sense for all things new and adventurous. So, do I want to explore the world and constantly be on the move? Is the "whole world my backyard"? Sort of, I guess... but that's not quite it either.
I don't get homesick very easily. The past years have taught me to adapt to new environments and people relatively quickly and not limit my concept of a "home" to a geographic location or specific group of people. So I can and do adapt pretty quickly. I've traveled to many places in the US and the world, so I usually don't get an intense "culture-shock". What I mean is not that I necessarily know everything there is to know about a new place (I never do) and am always surprised at new things, but I'm not so shocked that I can't operate or get used to local customs quickly. Is that it? Is my real home somewhere else - perhaps overseas in a different country, culture, and with different people? No.
For now, I'm glad to be where I am. I'm confident that God is absolutely sovereign in my life. God doesn't just help me "through all circumstances". He orchestrates and is in control of all circumstances! I am more confident that God has placed me where I am for His purpose, for me to grow and see more of Him and His ways right now.
More and more, as I grow in my relationship with God, the things of this world leave a bland taste in my mouth. The world and people created by God and for God are beautiful - but I can't get no satisfaction from it! Above all else, in Christ alone, I place my life.
Thinking about this reminds me of Philippians 4 and what Paul wrote about contentment. No matter who, what, when, where - Paul found the secret of being content in his heart: to remain in Christ and Christ alone. I want to be with Christ more and more. Putting my trust and hope in the things of this world - be it a place, a building, familiar sights and sounds, or people - has only drawn me farther from God's righteousness.
For now, my call is to stay faithful and do the best that I can with this earthly home. It is temporary and will fade. I can't wait to go home and be with my Adonai.
Adonai
I lift my voice, I lift my praise to You
I lift my hands, I lift my worship to You
And I love You more than I can say
Oh I love You more than I can say
Ever I will sing, only You will I adore
Glorify my Lord, only You will I serve
For the world will fade away
Still my song to You remains
Only You will I adore
Oh I love You always
Oh I love You always
Partly because I decided to come to University of Michigan from New Jersey to get away from New Jersey. And not just because "I want to see something new". I don't think I'm that capricious (maybe). I wanted to get away and stay away - live my own life. Over the years, that attitude has changed. It's a challenge and discipline to care for and keep the relationships I have with people elsewhere (ie my friends and family in NJ). Not being able to see them and miss them at times has grown my love for them.
Another reason is because I realized after graduating from high school, that home is not really a physical place. I remember when I just didn't feel right when I visited NJ after extensive time away in training with the Marine Corps. The people and places were definitely familiar and I can always have an enjoyable experience with loved ones, but it just wasn't home anymore. I tried defining what "home" is. I say Ann Arbor is my home now - when I say "back home" I'm usually referring to the University of Michigan campus. I usually refer New Jersey as "visiting my folks". Even so, Ann Arbor is not my home.
There's this urge deep inside that tells me "you're not home yet". My co-worker told me that I'm still very young and live an unstable life. I don't have a career, am single, no family of my own, rent an apartment with three other guys... in a sense, no "stability". There are people who tell me to be more patient, to relax, to calm down - that I'll eventually settle down. Will I be more at home when I have a job, wife, kids, and my own place? No, I don't think so. I hope not.
I have friends who are used to moving around a lot. So staying in one place for too long is uncomfortable to them, mainly because they're not used to it and/or have a peculiar sense for all things new and adventurous. So, do I want to explore the world and constantly be on the move? Is the "whole world my backyard"? Sort of, I guess... but that's not quite it either.
I don't get homesick very easily. The past years have taught me to adapt to new environments and people relatively quickly and not limit my concept of a "home" to a geographic location or specific group of people. So I can and do adapt pretty quickly. I've traveled to many places in the US and the world, so I usually don't get an intense "culture-shock". What I mean is not that I necessarily know everything there is to know about a new place (I never do) and am always surprised at new things, but I'm not so shocked that I can't operate or get used to local customs quickly. Is that it? Is my real home somewhere else - perhaps overseas in a different country, culture, and with different people? No.
For now, I'm glad to be where I am. I'm confident that God is absolutely sovereign in my life. God doesn't just help me "through all circumstances". He orchestrates and is in control of all circumstances! I am more confident that God has placed me where I am for His purpose, for me to grow and see more of Him and His ways right now.
More and more, as I grow in my relationship with God, the things of this world leave a bland taste in my mouth. The world and people created by God and for God are beautiful - but I can't get no satisfaction from it! Above all else, in Christ alone, I place my life.
Thinking about this reminds me of Philippians 4 and what Paul wrote about contentment. No matter who, what, when, where - Paul found the secret of being content in his heart: to remain in Christ and Christ alone. I want to be with Christ more and more. Putting my trust and hope in the things of this world - be it a place, a building, familiar sights and sounds, or people - has only drawn me farther from God's righteousness.
For now, my call is to stay faithful and do the best that I can with this earthly home. It is temporary and will fade. I can't wait to go home and be with my Adonai.
Adonai
I lift my voice, I lift my praise to You
I lift my hands, I lift my worship to You
And I love You more than I can say
Oh I love You more than I can say
Ever I will sing, only You will I adore
Glorify my Lord, only You will I serve
For the world will fade away
Still my song to You remains
Only You will I adore
Oh I love You always
Oh I love You always
Sunday, January 4, 2009
expansion
Update on NJ:
Time with the family back in New Jersey was good. Being away for a relatively long time (13+ months) made me forget how my family really is and miss out on how they've changed so much. It's like I hit the *pause* button on the Yun family for a whole year and had to hit fast forward to try to catch up to speed. Kinda confused but blessed and thankful.
I spent the first two days back in Jersey with my brother and my dad at a joint youth retreat outside of Atlantic City. I was really blessed to see my little punk brother worshiping at a retreat. I gained a whole new, more positive perspective on Korean churches in America. Not just because of the passion and excitement I saw in 30+ hours, but because of the sincerity of a small group of people who were dedicated to bringing about reconciliation between Koreans and Korean-Americans in churches and dreaming big about its future. I was inspired and had to repent of my jadedness and bitterness toward the Korean church.
My parents celebrated their 25th (aka "Silver") wedding anniversary. Looking at their marriage I see that that kind of commitment is tough; it ain't daisies and butterflies. It's more like rainbows and lollipops. Thank God.
Here's a family picture.
From left to right: Yeri (cousin), Miriam (older sis), me, Yeji (cousin), Michelle (younger sis), Yerim (cousin), Dad, Mom, John (younger bro), aunt
So, I think my stomach expanded and I gained some weight while in Jersey for the past week. All I did was eat and sleep a lot, like 8+ hours a night! My mom has been spreading rumors around the NJ galaxy that her oldest son is starving and sleep-deprived here in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Partly true, but I bring it upon myself(mostly). So my aunt fed me 'til I was about to burst. I think I gained enough flab to look somewhat closer to a more healthy weight, at least for my height.
While I look and seem healthier, I know I'm actually weaker. Physically, I haven't worked out in a month(!!!!!). After about 50-60 pushups my arms give out. Relative to what I'm used to being able to do that's pretty weak-sauce. Much like my spiritual life and just keeping tight hold of my character and integrity, fitness and growth takes devotion, consistency, integrity, and hard work. I've been lacking in all these areas.
That's how I'm feeling entering into the new year. Knowing I should be stronger, more mature, deeper, more ______, but just bloated and weak. I see more and more of my shortcomings and it's humbling and I'm learning a lot about myself, about other people, and about God. Now's a good time for change.
Time with the family back in New Jersey was good. Being away for a relatively long time (13+ months) made me forget how my family really is and miss out on how they've changed so much. It's like I hit the *pause* button on the Yun family for a whole year and had to hit fast forward to try to catch up to speed. Kinda confused but blessed and thankful.
I spent the first two days back in Jersey with my brother and my dad at a joint youth retreat outside of Atlantic City. I was really blessed to see my little punk brother worshiping at a retreat. I gained a whole new, more positive perspective on Korean churches in America. Not just because of the passion and excitement I saw in 30+ hours, but because of the sincerity of a small group of people who were dedicated to bringing about reconciliation between Koreans and Korean-Americans in churches and dreaming big about its future. I was inspired and had to repent of my jadedness and bitterness toward the Korean church.
My parents celebrated their 25th (aka "Silver") wedding anniversary. Looking at their marriage I see that that kind of commitment is tough; it ain't daisies and butterflies. It's more like rainbows and lollipops. Thank God.
Here's a family picture.
From left to right: Yeri (cousin), Miriam (older sis), me, Yeji (cousin), Michelle (younger sis), Yerim (cousin), Dad, Mom, John (younger bro), aunt
So, I think my stomach expanded and I gained some weight while in Jersey for the past week. All I did was eat and sleep a lot, like 8+ hours a night! My mom has been spreading rumors around the NJ galaxy that her oldest son is starving and sleep-deprived here in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Partly true, but I bring it upon myself(mostly). So my aunt fed me 'til I was about to burst. I think I gained enough flab to look somewhat closer to a more healthy weight, at least for my height.
While I look and seem healthier, I know I'm actually weaker. Physically, I haven't worked out in a month(!!!!!). After about 50-60 pushups my arms give out. Relative to what I'm used to being able to do that's pretty weak-sauce. Much like my spiritual life and just keeping tight hold of my character and integrity, fitness and growth takes devotion, consistency, integrity, and hard work. I've been lacking in all these areas.
That's how I'm feeling entering into the new year. Knowing I should be stronger, more mature, deeper, more ______, but just bloated and weak. I see more and more of my shortcomings and it's humbling and I'm learning a lot about myself, about other people, and about God. Now's a good time for change.
Time to get into shape. Now.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
sayings
I'm not sure about everyone, but I'm pretty sure most people I know are known for certain gestures, habits, personality quirks, or things they say all the time.
I'm sure I have a few that I'm not aware of about myself (based on other people imitating me). These sayings are different from habitual utterances. For example, I say "The thing is..." a lot. That's more of a habitual utterance or space-filler than a saying.
Some of my dad's sayings:
"Honesty is the best policy"
"Always do your best"
"Become a great person" (roughly translated from Korean)
A few "sayings" I've adopted over recent years:
"Rainbows and lollipops" (before you can enjoy something, sometimes you've gotta go through some rain and a lot of sucking, and that feeling of "happiness" is momentary)
"It ain't truly good if you can't share it" - if you only keep it to yourself, it's not that great.
"It's not about you" - it ain't.
Actions speak louder than words. Yea, we all know this. But I can never ignore the power of words, otherwise I wouldn't bother blogging. It's a combination, you know? Action inspired by words legitimate the words, and vice versa. I commit to making my words edifying and uplifting. May they not puff me up - if they do, I trust my friends will keep me in check. Thank God for friends.
I'm sure I have a few that I'm not aware of about myself (based on other people imitating me). These sayings are different from habitual utterances. For example, I say "The thing is..." a lot. That's more of a habitual utterance or space-filler than a saying.
Some of my dad's sayings:
"Honesty is the best policy"
"Always do your best"
"Become a great person" (roughly translated from Korean)
A few "sayings" I've adopted over recent years:
"Rainbows and lollipops" (before you can enjoy something, sometimes you've gotta go through some rain and a lot of sucking, and that feeling of "happiness" is momentary)
"It ain't truly good if you can't share it" - if you only keep it to yourself, it's not that great.
"It's not about you" - it ain't.
Actions speak louder than words. Yea, we all know this. But I can never ignore the power of words, otherwise I wouldn't bother blogging. It's a combination, you know? Action inspired by words legitimate the words, and vice versa. I commit to making my words edifying and uplifting. May they not puff me up - if they do, I trust my friends will keep me in check. Thank God for friends.
xanga is not "dead"
But apparently, a lot of people think so. And since I don't blog "for myself" (I keep a personal, handwritten journal), I'll start blogging here now.
Bye xanga.
Bye xanga.
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