don't judge me

I was correcting someone the other day and it was funny because he reminded me a lot of... me.

He used his outgoing personality to gain favor and to boost his reputation in people's eyes. He was given to talking his way out of things with a smile and a dash of confidence, rather than humbly admitting his fault.

I wasn't so upset about him making the actual mistake, but he had these "I know what I'm doing and I'm going to get out of this" types of excuses. He was trying to justify and defend himself even when it was so clear to me that he was just plain wrong and needed to own up to his mistake! Instead of humiliating him, I let him go. I addressed his attitude but there are just some things that he has to learn on his own, the hard way.

It was like looking into a mirror.

Something I've recently realized about myself is that I welcome "judgment". I usually don't enjoy it but I certainly don't back down or shy from it.

My attitude contrasts with some other people I know who say something like, "Don't judge me!" on a regular basis. These are the types of people who may shy away from correction, will avoid confrontation, and may even use the "Don't judge me" to get out of something rather than actually addressing the issue/sin.

I, on the other hand, have never cried out "Don't judge me!" in my whole life (really). I either think so highly of myself, have something to prove, or am so confident that I've hidden my weaknesses so well, that I feel like I have the authority to take people up on the challenge of their judgment and criticism. This also implies that I look down on others with a "Who are YOU to judge ME?" outlook.

Since I was younger, I can remember whenever people called me names or passed judgment on me, I would fume and my defenses would automatically go up. Seems like I was always defending myself. Even against compliments! I have to force myself to calm down and accept compliments with gratitude.

When receiving correction, criticism, or rebuke I tend to stand straighter, puff out my chest, and tilt my chin upwards in defiance versus the other extreme of sulking with myhead hung low in a corner. In my prideful delusion, I often think to myself, "He/she/they can't touch me. I have thick skin. It's a good thing". Confrontations galore.

Maybe. But there is a difference in having thick, tough skin due to a security in oneself, versus having a humble confidence in the rock solid foundation that is the Almighty God.

Both types of people - the "Don't judge me's!" and the "Go ahead, can't touch this" folks suffer from pride. In other words, a loss of perspective on the truth of God's holiness and man's sinfulness. The funny thing is, even my attitude is really a "Don't judge me!" attitude in disguise. I don't want to be exposed and will defend myself in the light of judgment. While I may welcome it outwardly, inside I really don't want it.

That kind of outlook and life is just constantly measuring myself up against others - or even an unrealistic standard - it's exhausting and relentless. This type of graceless mode of exhaustion truly calls out for Christ's rest, his rhythms of grace. Christ, I need more of your grace. Open my eyes.

There are 12 days left until our scheduled departure for Jakarta, Indonesia. I pray God will change and clean my heart. There is no room for this prideful mess when love must enter in.