communication

Ever hear about the love languages by Gary Chapman? You can take a mini-quiz here to get an idea.

According to Chapman, there are 5 main ways a person gives and receives and responds to love. Here's how I rank.

1. Quality Time - 37%
2. Acts of Service - 33%
3. Receiving Gifts - 13%
4. Words of Affirmation - 13%
5. Physical Touch - 3%

I first read about the love languages sometime in high school - and things haven't really changed much for me. Recently, I've been advised that I really need to work on affirming others with my words. Also, with the whole ordeal of gift-giving and care packages (end of the year stuff, birthdays, graduation, weddings, etc), I find that I'm often at a loss and think to myself "Who'd want a gift anyhow? I sure wouldn't care for one!"

I find that I can actually be very creative with gift-giving, but since I don't really care for gifts in the first place, it just doesn't happen very frequently. When I do give gifts, it is either out of custom, practicality, or it is actually acts of service in the form of a gift. Sometimes people are offended when I don't express myself in a certain way when receiving gifts. Or some people don't feel loved when I neglect giving something to them.

My words of affirmation are chosen very carefully. I try not to waste my words and think them through very carefully (I'll often rehearse or repeat conversations) so when I say something, I really mean it. But it won't always sound flowery or "super nice" - so many times the person on the receiving end might not catch it. I need to be more direct and obvious in encouraging people.

One of my Staff Sergeants in the Marines called us out once, as we were singing cadence on a long march: "If you need to sing songs to keep yourself motivated, you are weak! The only source of motivation and encouragement you need is from right here! points to chest Shut up!" ... kind of how I feel sometimes... most other people I know would not agree!

I reserve touch to fist pounds, handshakes, and high fives. Hugs are extra special. Kisses? Forget it. In fact, at one wedding, while everyone in line congratulated the bride and groom with hugs and kisses, I offered my hand and a sincere "Congratulations Mr. and Mrs.___" haha

One of the key things to utilizing love languages is understanding what yours are and understanding and recognizing others' love languages. Then, reconcile, compromise, give and take.

So if you know me, I enjoy spending one-on-one time together. I really don't mind those hugely long conversations where we're challenging each other and sharing our lives. Often, what's planned as a one hour meeting can easily go for two. I am known to talk people's ears off (probably a sign that they don't necessarily receive love through quality time!).

I find that I don't long for frequent contact. When I am with people, I try to make the most of it, milking every moment. That's why it's called quality time, not "lots of time".

Acts of service. I was raised this way and was just expected to serve... no matter what. I seldom do it for the "cookies" - I just do it because it needs to be done and someone has to do it. I'd rather it be me than putting others through the trouble. That's why when I receive words of affirmation, expressions of gratitude, or compliments I get awkward - because I'm not doing it for the recognition. When I receive the recognition, somehow that act of service is tainted and it just doesn't feel right and pure anymore. Compliment me and I'll either barely acknowledge it with a hurried "thanks" or redirect the conversation. And it's a great way to pump up my pride. I'd actually rather hear constructive criticism - I live for those intense confrontations (made more possible by quality time)!

We're all different and unique. I'm learning that sacrificial love can look different for different people and that certain aspects of the Gospel touch people in special ways.

Part of loving is not being self-seeking. Instead of demanding that others love me the way I want to receive it, I need to die to myself and love others in a way they understand love. Not to be a people-pleaser, but to honor, respect, encourage people and putting others' needs and desires before my own. I'm coming to understand that this is humility.