manly

The earliest lessons in manhood I remember are from my father, when I was about three years old. I used to get hung up about dirtying my clothes and whine until my mother changed me into clean ones. I was a clumsy eater and played outside in the dirt all day - so there were a lot of dirty clothes and a lot of whining. My dad had enough of me one day, slammed down his spoon at the dinner table and gave me this intense "Are you kidding me? You want to call yourself my son?!" look. He said, "Look at me, Joseph!" He started throwing bits of food and spilling stuff all over his clothes. Dirty as heck. He didn't whine or cry. "Men don't whine!" he said and finished his meal.

On a regular basis, whenever I would be hanging with my dad, he would always tell me: "Joseph, be a great person. You're meant to be a man, don't let anyone ever tell you different."

Some milestones:

I liked two girls and hit on them within 5 minutes of each other. I first learned what a "player" and what a "player-hater" before I even heard those terms. I was in the first grade.

I started working for wages when I was 11 as a paperboy. I haven't stopped working and earning money for myself ever since.

I broke up with my first "official girlfriend" when I was 12 because I didn't know dancing with another girl at a 6th grade dance was cheating.

I started shaving every day when I was 13. Haven't stopped since.

Drove a car for the first time when I was 17. After driving twice, around the block, and parking - my dad had me drive 70 miles to Manhattan, New York City. I think I almost hit every parked/moving car and pedestrian.

I joined the Marine Corps without first telling my parents when I was 17. I'm now a 23-year old Sergeant leading teenagers who think they'll live forever.

I'm looking to graduate college next week. I'm going to "move on".

Does all that make me a man?


Incidentally, the cover on May 2009's issue of Esquire magazine (Man at his best) is titled "How to be a Man". I couldn't resist. Some excerpts:

An essential part of every man, with the possible exceptions of the pope and William Shatner, doubts the essene of our manhood. By inches, pounds, and paychecks, we gauge ourselves - our power over other men and women and their power over us. Are we tough enough? Rich enough? Man enough? The question is the answer: No - not if we still need to ask. - Scott Raab.


What I've learned - The American Man - May 2005 Esquire
(nearly 20 different men, from all walks of life, interviewed)

Fear is what drives us. The response to fear is when virtue comes out.

I became a man on the the twenty-third of October, 1983, around six-thirty in the morning. The day my Naval Academy roommate was killed in Beirut. I was a thousand yards away. I was twenty-two. Before that I was immortal.

I've learned to forget about being a perfectionist, because entropy always wins out in the end.

It is enough to be clean. Vanity destroys a man's natural confidence.

I don't hire kids, because they don't have any real ethics. I can teach a kid, but he's got to care. That's it.

I am a man, so anything I experience is manly. I don't think, "I want to go out and be manly"

Survival has to do with pre-training. When you're in a bad situation, you're so used to persevering, it's like going on autopilot.

It's important to be flexible - to allow yourself to collapse, to allow yourself to be nurtured. I remember a guy who said, "There's no such thing as too much exercise, but there is such a thing as not enough rest.'

What is a Man?
by Tom Chiarella

A man looks out for those around him - woman, friend, stranger.

A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. It doesn't matter what his job is, because if a man doesn't like his job, he gets a new one.

A man owns up. That's why Mark McGwire is not a man. A man grasps his mistakes. He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not... Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.

A man doesn't point out that he did the dishes.

A man knows how to bust balls.

Maybe he never has, and maybe he never will, but a man figures he can knock someone, somewhere, on his ass.

He does not rely on rationalizations. He doesn't winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. He doesn't seem himself lost in some great maw of humanity, some grand sweep. That's the liberal thread; it's why men won't line up as liberals.

A man gets the door without thinking. He stops traffic when he must.

A man resists formulations, questions belief, embraces ambiguity without making a fetish out of it. A man revisits his beliefs. Continually. That's why men won't forever line up with conservatives, either.

A man knows his tools and how to use them - just the ones he needs.

A man listens, and that's how he argues. He crafts opinions. He can pound the table, take the floor. It's not that he must. It's that he can.

A man is comfortable with being alone. Loves being alone, actually. He sleeps.

A man does not know everything. He doesn't try. He likes what other men know.

A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it's just to put an end to the bickering.

A man does not wither at the thought of dancing. But it is generally to be avoided.

My two cents:
So, when do you know that you're a man? When you choose to be one. It's not just saying it or wanting it or trying to be the best one. It's an initial decision that must be followed by all other decisions that don't seek to prove anything. Once you're out to prove something, that's just insecurity. One is only insecure because he has not come to terms with himself and who he is. Until he figures that out, he's just a male.

The actions of a man are self-evident. People know a man when they see one or are around one versus someone they think is especially "manly". Once you're a man, that's it, there's no going back. It's confidence without cockiness. Humility without self-pity. Strength in weakness. Selfless faith in something bigger. Driven by the realization that one is mortal and imperfect but that perseverance and continual self-improvement are essential to growth. It's knowing that one can never be mature enough but one can always be man enough because manhood isn't a quantitative measurement. It's doing the right thing because it's the right thing and not giving excuses.

And finally, it's knowing that in 20 years, or 10 years, or even next month, I can look back on this blog entry, shake my head, and rewrite the whole thing.

I feel like I still have something to prove. The men I know, don't.